my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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