Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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