i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
