I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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