I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
