I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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