When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
