if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
