I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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