In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Randomize
