why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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