Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
