The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize