I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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