when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
