i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
