Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
