he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize