I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
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