I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
