i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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