I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
