i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
