i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
