Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
