trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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