No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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