I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
