walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
