I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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