Duck Duck Cougar?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
