hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
