man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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