he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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