Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
