He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
