I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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