My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
