I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize