i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
