Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
