I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
