Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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