You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
