her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
