He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
