Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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