too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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