If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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