Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
