so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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