They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
