I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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