now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
