hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
