apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
